La lettre imaginaire de Madonna à Carlos Leon au sujet de Lourdes.
Mama don't preach, but will you papa?
By Polly Hudson 2/04/2010
You know I’d never normally ask you for anything – well, apart from that sperm you donated 13 years ago – but I’m desperate. It’s time to preach, Papa, because our daughter has, despite my best efforts, become uncontrollable.
I told a magazine this week that I wish Lola would dress more conservatively. But that is only, as the English say, the half of it.
I know I wore some risque stage costumes when I was even younger than how young I am now, but these days I wouldn’t leave the house in less than a leotard – and a long sleeved one at that.
Clothes aside, Lola is rebelling against everything I stand for as a mother. And this despite the relaxed, easy-going way I brought her up!
Last week she told me she wanted to… I can hardly even type it… watch television! Television! She wanted to pollute her young mind by watching some rubbish called News At Ten, can you believe that?
I told her rules were rules – if she wanted to turn on the devil box, it would be to watch a DVD of one of my concerts or nothing, as usual.
Unbelievably, she seemed to think I was the one being unreasonable.
Carlos, I haven’t even told you the worst thing yet. Two days ago, while innocently going about my own business, I found some sachets of white powder hidden in one of Lola’s dresser drawers. I was completely horrified – I even contemplated calling the police, but resisted because it would just end up in the papers, although she wouldn’t have known about it because she’s not allowed to read them. I don’t have to tell you what it was, do I, Carlos? SUGAR!!! And not just sugar – white, refined sugar, the most evil, addictive substance on the planet!
Lola trotted out the story all junkies tell… she got it from a friend (I TOLD you we shouldn’t have let her have friends!). For free of course, to get her hooked.
She confessed she was planning to put it in the Kabbalah gruel she’s lucky enough to be served each morning. And everything else in her macrobiotic diet, I’ll bet. We had a huge fight – she said she’s never going to tell me what her schoolmates are into ever again, which has delayed my next album indefinitely. I was so angry, I swear my face moved slightly at one point.
I even threatened to part-exchange her for another African baby but the sarcastic little madam just dropped to her knees and said, “Yes! Please do! I beg of you! I’d be so much happier!”
She must have learnt reverse psychology at school.
It did make me briefly wonder if maybe, without realising, I might have occasionally been too strict and controlling with Lola. But I asked my servants and they all swear that I’m the most laid-back, chilled mum they’ve ever seen – and what reason do they have to lie?
Yours, at my wits’ end (but still looking radiant and youthful),
Love Madonna. x
Madonna and Lourdes